The Cup Theory
Glenda @ Mitchell News
Be intentional about what you choose to do. Be intentional about actually doing it.
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The Cup Theory
Filling Someone Else’s Cup

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*Hot Off The Press*
WOW, what a month!!
Getting the sad news out the way – I had to postpone my group coaching series due to start on 7 January as I had a number of cancellations. I knew it was a bit risky trying to get something going the first week of the year, but figured I’d give people the opportunity to hit the ground running. The good news is there is still an opportunity to attend. I have not decided on a new date, so if you or anyone you know may be interested, take a look at the details online or contact me to find out more.
The final week of the month was one of birthday celebrations for my book – KICKING Out THE BUCKET List: Living Life with Intention and Passion turned ONE. Thank you to all those that engaged with my posts and those that bought copies of the book. Congratulations to those who won a FREE copy. If you’d like to take a peek at some of the week’s activity, including some extracts from the book, check out my activity on LinkedIn or Instagram activity.
The week culminated with the release of an interview with Grace Lewis from Tall Poppy Talk. I had the opportunity to talk about one of the topics particularly close to my heart – celebrating the success of others. It’s available in a few places, including on Tallpoppytalk and Spotify.
My Travel & Adventure blog is growing slowly although I admit that birthday activities took priority for a couple of weeks. Readers have enjoyed the latest entry “Walking on the moon in Sicily”, an exploration of the craters of Mount Etna.
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*The Cup Theory – Filling someone’s else’s Cup”
We are complex beings! There are a range of different factors that play into our ability to function. The cup theory suggests that our mind and bodies’ function and capacity is like a cup.
Imagine that everyone had an emotional cup that needs to be filled – with affection, love, security, and attention. Some seem to have a full cup most of the time, or know good ways to get a refill. Most get a little nervous when their cups are nearing empty. Rejection by peers, stress, failure and loneliness can all drain the cup. An empty cup may even lead to physical pain and discomfort.
I don’t know when it was formalised as a concept, but awareness of the cup theory appears to have increased in recent times.
“Filling your cup” is a phrase that is generally used to describe how self-care can help you feel recharged and ready to do things you enjoy. Self-care can involve activities that reduce stress, replenish your energy, and improve your sense of well-being.
“Serving from a full cup” is a related metaphor that some people use, which prioritises taking care of yourself before you can take care of others. The idea is that if you don’t replenish your mental, emotional, and physical energy, you won’t have anything left to share with others. By implication, a cup will automatically run over when it cannot hold all that is being poured into it.
Whilst I am not going to argue against looking after ourselves, I have been pondering a couple of questions:
- Do we wait until our cup is completely full before we start giving to or serving others?
- What if it is never full or never feels full?
When you try to give from an unfulfilled place, you might be devaluing yourself and disempowering others. However, there are times when you might need to start or keep giving, even when your cup is depleted.
Based on this, I have come to the conclusion that I prefer using another common phrase: “you can’t pour from an empty cup“. To me, this implies that giving is difficult if my cup is totally empty, but as long as I have something in it, even if it isn’t full, I can start giving or serving. The important thing it to keep topping it up so that it doesn’t drain to empty.
How does this play out in our relationships?
Many people say good relationships are about give and take. My parents, married for 40+ years before my father passed away, maintained that relationships are about give. By implication, if one person gives, the other will receive without having to take.
Whichever view you take, you likely agree that relationships are not a one-way street. Instead of only thinking about filling our own cup, how can we help to fill someone else’s cup in order to create a sense of belonging, togetherness and connectedness?
Two major drivers of human behaviour are attention and control.
- How are you paying attention to those who are important in your life – at home and at work?
- How are you helping others to feel more in control of their lives?
If people feel unseen and out of control, it is a recipe for disaster. They resort to negative, attention-seeking behaviour which can be destructive. They often go into over-control. This in turn can lead to mistakes which waste time.
Be interested in others
To fill the cup of those in your circle of influence, you need to know them a little more than skin deep. You have to be interested in them. When people feel seen and heard it makes a significant difference to the quality of your connection and builds trust and loyalty.
Something that I have heard said about human behaviour is that if you help someone get what they want, you will get what you want. Ask these types of questions to determine what people value:
- What’s important to you?
- Why is that important to you?
- How can I help you get that/get there?
Three important questions everyone asks
There are three key non-verbal questions people tend to ask regularly. This typically happens subconsciously, and likely at least once every day. In all probability you ask them of those who are important in your life at home and work!
- Do you see me?
- Do you hear me?
- Am I important to you?
If there are three YES answers, one’s cup is likely to be full and this in turn generates positive behaviours. If there are one or more NO answers in this list, the converse is true. Negative, attention-seeking behaviours and control issues kick in.
Love Languages
I like Gary Chapman’s famous Five Love Languages®. The premise is quite simple: different people with different personalities give and receive love in different ways. The languages are:
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Acts of service
- Gifts
- Physical touch
Can you identify what your two primary love languages are? Do you know the love languages of the important people in your life? It’s amazing how we can miss the boat entirely and that means that all our efforts at connection could be a waste of time.
Quality one-on-one time
Really getting to know and understand someone takes time and effort. How can you have quality one-on-one time with friends and colleagues in a busy world where time is limited?
One underrated option that I love doing is a one-on-one walk and talk with people in the same location – whether work colleagues, team members or friends. It gets you out and exercising and you get to talk and connect in a very different way to when you are across a screen from each other. You may be surprised at what comes up in a walk-and-talk versus a face-to-face over a cup of coffee or a screen. This is because motion shifts emotion, it unsticks us, and people open up in a different way entirely, helping you get to know each other on another level.
Some final thoughts on filling the cup of others
- Always remember that people are human beings first before they are human doings
- Be careful of managing your family members as resources instead of human beings. It’s a trap that busy and efficient people can fall into.
- People want to be noticed; they want to know that they matter and are not invisible
- Really ‘see’ them for everything they are, not just what they can do.
- Affirmation and validation will contribute to the other person’s growth, engagement and commitment
- When negative, attention-seeking behaviour plays out in your relationships, check in with the three important questions people ask regularly and consider what answers they are receiving from you
- Everyone wants to experience a sense of belonging and togetherness with those important to them. How we experience that is dependent on how well we get to know others and how we pay attention to each other.
- Switch off your devices if you really intend to connect face-to-face.
If we all seek to fill the cup of others, wouldn’t everyone’s cup be full (or at the very least not empty)?
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*The 7Ps – To be intentional about what you choose to do and intentional about doing it”

I am grateful to those that have taken the time and effort to fill my cup. I have no doubt that they have had to prioritise it in their lives as they have considered it to be of value. __________________________________________________________________________________________
*Quote of the Month*
” Those who are happiest are those who do the most for others.”
– Booker T. Washington
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*Kicking Out The Bucket List*
For further information or to order the book directly (signed copies available)
It is also available from Amazon, Kobo, Booktopia, Barnes & Noble and other leading book retailers.
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When I focus on others and contribute to filling their cup, I find that my own cup is filled too. I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences.
Glenda